Here I am. In a room surrounded by people who inspire me… my heart pumping blood, and feeling completely alive; but there is something holding me back.
Whenever I think about August, September, October, November and December, I get a bitter feeling. For the past few years these months have been full of abominable memories which I associate with dates in which someone left, or I did.
Today, August 18, I received a Facebook notification which absorbed me to the past. Three years ago, one of my best friends, Antonia Mufarech posted a video on my timeline were my friends from school told me they missed me. This made me retrieve memories from September when my sister, Alle visited me and we could finally spend some days together. I had been in Miami the past month’s trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why I couldn’t walk, and could’nt sleep, why my whole body was in pain, why my parents couldn’t hug me because I felt my skin was burning.
I didn’t figure this out ‘till October when I was sent to the Kansas City, Children’s Mercy Hospital where I was diagnosed with Pain Amplification Syndrome and had to face six weeks of intensive treatment (50 hours a week). And finally November the month I got to go back home. Last year the same thing happened in August my parents told me that we would separate again, yet this time my sister was the one who needed help and they packed their bags and went to Mexico City. It wasn’t till October that I saw them again. Long story short, I am tired of these months being this way.
A week before school started, in July, I was at the beach thinking, the months I hate the most are right around the corner and just being so afraid that something else would happen. But then I decided that I shouldn’t think this way because nothing was going to happen. This is what I did.
I came back to Lima, and the day of my birthday, August 3, I was thinking how amazing everything was. I had incredible people around me. My family was close and we were all happy, my friends were there for me, and I was excited to start school.
Today, I’m telling you, everything is perfect. I am incredibly happy and so is the rest of my family. I am loving what I’m doing at school, and i’m extremely happy with the people surrounding me. Yet, the last days I couldn’t stop worrying that something bad was going to happen, like if I was standing on a cliff and could fall any minute, feeling a constant threat. But I have come up with a solution, every time I am on a day marked with a bad memory I will come up with something to change it into a good one; either a good conversation with someone, a good time spend with a friend or even something as small as receiving a snapchat from the guy I like.